January 20, 2021

“Even as we grieved, we grew.”

Amanda Gorman, former national youth poet laureate who gave a capturing delivery of her poem during the Biden-Harris inauguration ceremony, said these words: “Even as we grieved, we grew.”

Grieving is the bedrock of growth, in therapy and in life.

What happens when we don’t grieve?

We ignore loss, because it’s too painful to feel. We deny harm, because it brings us too much shame. We minimize pain, our own and others’, because it’s too intolerable to hold.

Here’s the problem: What we can’t bear to remember we inevitably repeat.

Joe Biden said at the COVID-19 memorial service, “To heal, we must remember. It’s hard sometimes to remember, but that’s how we heal.”

This sentiment is true no matter the source of the pain we’re talking about. It’s true when we’re talking about the impact of any loss. It’s true when we’re talking about the impact of parents enacting their own traumatic upbringings upon their children. It’s true when we’re talking about the trauma of racism from this country’s beginnings through present day.

Forgetting is not healing.

“Moving on” is not healing.

Not feeling is not healing. 
It is in remembering, reconciling, and bearing witness to the past and the present that we are able to forge a clearer path to our future.

This healing act of witnessing is by no means relegated to therapy, but I know in my bones that therapy is a powerful, transformative venue for it. 

So, here’s to remembering, repairing, and healing—in therapy, in our relationships outside of therapy, and in our country.

If you’d like a witness in repairing and healing, you’re welcome to schedule a phone consult with me. If for whatever reason I’m not the right fit for you, I’d be happy to help you find a therapist who is.

Take care,

P.S. What is political is also inextricably personal. Internal and external are always intertwined, so both are always present and welcome in therapy.

Photo credit: Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

March 23, 2020

Backhanded Reassurance for COVID-19: This is Not a Staycation

If you’re enjoying virtual tours of national parks on your TV, browsing world renowned museums from your couch, taking a free Ivy League college course on your laptop, or dancing along with a DJ dist-Dance party, that’s awesome! You do you! And, this post doesn’t apply to you.

This post is for those of you who are having a very different experience. You may be feeling scared, worried, and drained, while also feeling pressure from productivity pushers—or maybe from your own internal productivity pusher.

This may sound weird but I’m not big on reassurance. Of course we all need reassurance sometimes, even when we’re not facing a pandemic! Reassurance often comes from a place of care, so what’s the big deal?

Well, reassurance can have unintended consequences. Sometimes reassurance can send an unintentional message: “Your feelings are too big/scary/heavy for me to handle right now.” You might be nodding your head in agreement if you’ve ever experienced a loss and had someone say to you, “At least they didn’t suffer.” or “They’re in a better place now.” Ouch!

In the age of the coronavirus crisis, attempts at reassurance might take the form of “Here’s a silver lining…”, “Enjoy this free time while you can!”, or “Everything’s going to be okay.” Statements like these can be so helpful when you genuinely feel them to be true for you, but they can also feel minimizing and dismissive coming from other people, and they may leave you feeling painfully alone with big feelings. 

If you’re still with me, here’s what I want to say to you. It’s a form of what I like to call backhanded reassurance (really, validation):

This is not a staycation. This feels hard because it is hard.

If you’re a college or university student, you’re facing a radical departure from your usual structure of classes and internships. You may have abruptly been told to move out of your dorm. For some of you that doesn’t come with a protective sense of “going home” but of being uprooted and forced to go back into a difficult situation that school gave you a break from.

If you’re employed and have transitioned to working from home, the fabric of your daily life has been upended and the routines you rely on are hard to come by. If you’re newly unemployed or underemployed, you may be facing a whole host of fears about your financial security.

If you’re working on the front lines (doctors, nurses, and other health care workers, delivery people, transportation workers, grocery store employees, and others who serve an essential role and don’t have the option of working from home) this is anything but business as usual, and you’re tasked with taking care of others while trying to meet your own needs as well.

(If you’re a parent you’re probably not reading this because you’re busy wrangling your kids, scrambling to find childcare, trying to play teacher, and maybe even attempting some iteration of working from home.)

No wonder why you don’t feel like virtually visiting a national park or picking up a new hobby!

You didn’t choose this. This is not in your control and it’s understandable if you’re feeling powerless, sad, afraid, numb, emotionally exhausted, anxious, angry, or if you’re finding it more difficult to concentrate. It’s okay to let yourself feel those things, and it’s okay to let go of any expectations of being productive that don’t make sense for you right now. 

So, what can you do to have a sense of impact when that’s becoming increasingly difficult? I’m not an advice-y therapist, but I have some ideas. Please know that these aren’t suggestions. Instead, think of them as invitations and take whatever feels accessible to you and leave behind whatever doesn’t. There’s no rulebook for how to feel.

Invitations (Not Suggestions)

•Can you check in with your news consumption? Do you feel better or worse after reading or watching it? Is it helping you or hurting you? How much is helpful and how do you know when it’s crossing the line? If you want to stay informed, be sure to use reliable, factual sources like NYC.gov, CDC.gov, and WHO.int.

•Similarly, can you do a self check-in with social media? Is it helping you feel more connected to others or is it increasing your anxiety?

•Can you check in with your mind and body? See if you can observe any thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations you find without trying to make them go away. We often hold tension in our chest, jaw, or back, or we may shift into shallow breathing without even realizing it. What do you notice? Can you be curious about your experience? If that’s not accessible to you right now, that’s okay too. 

•Can you come up with any way that you can find even a small sense of agency right now? For one person this might look like writing to your elected officials about whatever issues feel most pressing to you. (An easy way to do this is by texting Resist to 50409.) For another person this might mean reminding yourself that you’re actively helping to #flattenthecurve by staying home. This might even look like [gasp!] being “productive” by organizing a drawer.

•Can you give yourself permission to focus on what feels most soothing and familiar to you? You may already know what your old comforting standbys are so you don’t need to reinvent the wheel here.

•It’s being called social distancing (ugh!) but can you reframe it as physical distancing? We’re wired for connection, so how can you stay connected socially while practicing physical distancing? 

Finally, talk to your therapist (remotely) about anything and everything that’s coming up for you right now. If you’re wanting the protective, reflective space of therapy but you don’t have a therapist yet, feel free to schedule a phone consult with me. If for some reason I’m not the right fit for you, I’ll be happy to help you find a therapist who is.

Take care,

P.S. This was inspired in part by Ithaca psychoanalyst Vanessa Bright’s blog post, “You Are Doing Enough.”

Photo credit: Dr. Sue Sherman and @heavenlyrestnyc

August 10, 2019

Centering the Margins: Otherness and Othering

Let’s go dictionary diving. An Other is “one that is psychologically differentiated from the self” or “one considered by members of a dominant group as alien, exotic, threatening, or inferior (as because of different racial, sexual, or cultural characteristics).”

As a verb, to other is “to treat or consider (a person or a group of people) as alien to oneself or one’s group (as because of different racial, sexual, or cultural characteristics.)”

To other someone is to marginalize them, to distance yourself from them. To other entire groups of people requires dividing the world into categories of Us and Them. This division underlies hatred in the -ism and -phobia sense (sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, etc.) “You are not like me. You are different.” can morph into “You are entirely different. There is nothing in you that’s also in me. You’re bad. I’m good. You (all) are bad. We are entirely good.”

At its most extreme, the Other is transformed into an anonymous, unknowable, collective They, comprised of Its. This is a process of dehumanization, and we know how dangerous and devastating this can be. White supremacy and fanatic nationalism thrive at this end of the othering spectrum.

Feminist theory and critical race theory talk about centering the margins, creating a space where historically silenced voices can speak and be heard, understood, and known, so that these constructed divisions between Us and Them can begin to be dismantled.

This othering process happens inside ourselves too.

Internally, we other parts of ourselves, forming deep unprocessed beliefs. Maybe some of these sound intimately familiar to you. Maybe they’re so ordinary that you don’t even notice when they’re operating.

I’m good when I’m happy. I’m good when I’m patient, grateful, optimistic. I’m good when I have no needs.

When I’m mad, I’m bad. When I’m sad, I’m bad. When I feel anxious, hurt, tender, sensitive, vulnerable, jealous, I’m bad.

I’m never mad, sad, hurt, jealous, lonely… 

Which of your identities have been marginalized historically? Which are marginalized in society today? What parts of you are marginalized in your closest relationships? What parts of yourself do you marginalize internally? 

Which of your thoughts and feelings do you allow in, and which ones do you other? Which ones are you afraid of? Which ones do you hate?

Maybe your first impulse is to get rid of these no good, very bad parts of yourself. 

But what would happen if you tried to get to know them first? What if they became less threatening and more understandable?

What would happen if you centered the margins of yourself? 

“I don’t know” is an ideal starting point for therapy. In therapy, you can begin to give voice to what’s been marginalized within you, societally and internally.

If you’d like to get started, drop me a line.

Take care,

October 13, 2017

A Baby Walks into Therapy: Attachment and Dependence

A major part of my education and training in adult psychotherapy is infant and child development. Huh? How does understanding babies help me work with adults?

Unnecessary news flash: We all used to be babies.

The baby in us is always there inside our adult selves. That inner baby goes everywhere with us, and I need to know how to work with it through its adult host in therapy.

If that sounds like a put-down, consider this: babies are brilliant! The rate of development during the first few years of life is astronomical. Babies are mini physicists, mathematicians, linguists, artists, and anthropologists, studying and playing with a world that was entirely alien to them at birth.

Something that comes up in therapy with adults is a fear of dependence on the therapist. This is a big reason why people put off starting therapy in the first place. This makes sense!

In Western culture we’re often taught that dependence is bad or weak. Let’s take a look at what attachment research has to say about that.

Attachment Theory 101

We all have attachment needs—the need for relationships, for connections with other people. This need is present at birth and continues throughout our lives.

As infants we are entirely dependent on our caregivers for survival, not just for our physical needs but for our attachment needs as well. We know from research in overpopulated orphanages that babies who are adequately fed but not emotionally nourished (not held or interacted with) experience failure to thrive and do not develop normally—physically, cognitively, or emotionally. Some of these severely emotionally deprived babies die despite receiving physical sustenance.

Let’s take a normally developing infant. She’s totally dependent. Ideally she has a caregiver, an attachment figure, who is able to meet her basic physical and attachment needs. (I’m going to refer to this attachment figure as mom for simplicity, but it can also be dad, a grandparent, or whoever takes a primary role in taking care of the baby.)

This baby grows and develops into a toddler. An interesting thing happens during a toddler’s development. She starts walking (or sprinting at full speed) away from her attachment figure to explore what she can’t reach when she’s in mom’s lap. There’s a big, exciting, and sometimes scary environment to explore outside of mom’s arms, so naturally the toddler sometimes feels a little freaked out. When this happens, she goes back to mom for comfort.

Like homebase in a game of tag, the toddler needs mom to be a secure base where she can calm down and refuel. This bold, independent explorer needs to be able to briefly move back into dependence. Once she’s allowed to do this, and sometimes with a little reassurance and gentle encouragement from mom, she’s off and running to conquer the world again.

This pattern happens over and over again, and soon this refueling process is able to be “wireless”—just a quick look back at mom can recharge the toddler.

This is the dependency paradox. Knowing she can return to dependence when she needs to actually bolsters her independence.

Eventually, the child becomes able to keep the comforting aspects of her mom with her emotionally, even when they’re apart.

Our dependency needs resurface regularly, especially when we’re going through a difficult time. This is also called regression. Think about what you crave when you have a hard day at work, a nasty cold, or when the world feels especially scary. You want to go home, maybe put on your fuzziest pajamas, eat some comfort food, and talk to your person (a partner, a friend, or, yes, maybe your mom). Then, when you’re feeling stronger and safer, you brave the world again.

Contrary to this regression being harmful for us, it actually serves to re-power and empower us. This is called adaptive regression in service of the ego (ARISE). Think of the ego as your sense of you. The keyword here is adaptive—this regression is helpful and necessary.

Independence requires the ability to return to dependence when needed. In this way, we are all interdependent.

In psychotherapy, one of the therapist’s functions is as an attachment figure. Therapy serves as a homebase, a safe place for regular refueling before you go boldly back into your life outside of the office.

If you could use the homebase of therapy to feel stronger and safer in your daily life, I invite you to schedule a phone consultation with me.

Take care,

June 12, 2017

Panic Attacks: All the Feels or Not Enough?

If you’ve ever had a panic attack, you know how intense it is.

Your ribcage is suddenly two sizes too small for your lungs. You can’t take a full breath.

Your heart is threatening to leap out of your mouth or tear through your chest. You can feel your pulse where you didn’t even know you had blood vessels.

It’s like you’re looking through unfocused binoculars. Everything around you is a moving blur.

You’re instantly drenched with sweat. The air is sweltering and giving you chills all at the same time.

Your mind is racing. What’s happening to me? I just need fresh air. I need to get out of here. Something is going terribly wrong.

You might even worry that you’re having a heart attack or dying.

Panic attacks are brutal!

I’ve heard a panic attack described as “all the feels.” And that makes sense, right? It’s a dumpster fire of sensations—physical and emotional—all at once and seemingly out of nowhere.

Paradoxically, in therapy I think of panic attacks as not enough feels, or more accurately, not being aware of enough of your feelings.

Panic attacks pop up when our inner conflicts lurk outside of our awareness and we’re not tuned in to the anxiety that’s stirring up. All of this can only bubble under the surface for so long before it finds a way to burst through—in the form of a panic attack (or other physical issues, but more about that in a future blog entry).

Think of a whistling tea kettle. As the heat inside increases, the water creeps from still, to a simmer, to a boil. The pressure builds until it can’t stay contained. It escapes screaming through the spout. It doesn’t get your attention until it reaches a fever pitch.

Emotions are like this too when they’re kept tightly under wraps. Taking the lid off relieves the pressure and lets us see what needs attention inside.

The more tuned in you are to yourself, the less your emotions need to scream in order for you to hear them.

If you’d like help taking the lid off, drop me a line.

Take care,

May 12, 2017

You need immediate help, but don’t stop with a quick fix

Imagine one day you walk into your bathroom to discover that it’s flooded and part of your ceiling is now hanging out on your floor. You call the super who comes over quickly and patches it up. You’re relieved! That was an easy fix! Everything looks good as new.

Until…your upstairs neighbor has the audacity to take another shower. Suddenly you have another unwanted water feature in your bathroom. You can call the super to patch up the plaster again, or you can ask for a plumber this time to figure out why the pipes have turned into a sprinkler.

Sometimes plaster cracks over time for no reason. It just gets old and it needs to be redone. Other times there’s a problem underneath it that needs to be looked at. If the issue keeps coming back, you still have to mop up, but you also need to look behind the surface to figure out why it keeps raining inside. (I’ve reached the limit of my knowledge about plaster.)

When life becomes a soggy mess, of course your first thought isn’t to wade knee deep into it, plop down in the middle of it, and contemplate what’s causing it. You want to dry it up quickly! There’s just one problem. Mopping the bottom of a waterfall doesn’t work so well.

You need immediate help, but don’t stop with a quick fix.

Any skilled, emotionally attuned therapist will help you get relief from the pressing issue that brought you to therapy in the first place. Sometimes that’s exactly what you need. But if you find yourself getting stuck in the same upsetting loop over and over again, it may be time to take a closer look.

I often see proactive, ambitious clients who’ve done good work in past short term solution-focused therapy, like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). They’ve learned all the skills and they know how to practice them, but pesky problems keep finding new ways to crop up in their life, often in frustratingly familiar patterns. Life is out-skilling them and as hard as they’re trying, they can’t think their way out of it.

In-depth, longer term therapy, like psychodynamic or psychoanalytic psychotherapy, looks behind the surface to help you unravel the tangled up roots that are causing you pain so that you get deeper, long-lasting relief.

If this feels like the right time for you to look deeper, I invite you to contact me.

Take care,

April 13, 2017

Positive Mind Radio Show: Millennials’ Biggest Issues and How I Help in Therapy

I was on The Positive Mind Radio Show on WBAI 99.5 FM in NYC talking about the issues millennials face and how I help in therapy.

On the show we get into the paradoxes people in their 20s and 30s often deal with:

•Connecting more than ever through Facebook/Instagram/Grindr/Tinder but feeling more disconnected than ever
•Looking like you have it all together but feeling like you’re falling apart
•Searching for a relationship while battling for your independence
•Wanting to come across as competent but feeling like a fraud at work

In this episode I talk about how therapy helps young people tune into what they’ve been missing so that they can start connecting more.

Listen below:

 

Take care,

March 30, 2017

Life Is Messy and Some Messes Are Too Heavy to Carry Alone

Imagine you have a huge pile of mess in your room.

It’s been in a jumbled heap for so long that you don’t even know what’s in it. Judging by the outer layer, you’re sure it’s all just useless junk that doesn’t belong there.

You’ve casually mentioned this problem to a couple friends. But you left out the part about how your chest tightens up when you turn the knob to your room at the end of the day. You didn’t tell them that your eyes seem to have a watering problem. You didn’t say that sometimes you wake up in a cold panic and have to catch your breath. Because none of that random stuff has anything to do with the mess, right?

This mess is sneaky. You shoved it down the garbage chute but somehow it crept back into your room. It’s even started hitching a ride with you on the subway, at work, on dates. You’ve tried so hard but you can’t get rid of it. You figure if you have to lug it around, you might as well make it easier for other people (and yourself) to look at. So you stuff it in a box and seal it up.

This works okay for a while. Then…you notice you’re moving more slowly. Everything takes more effort. You’re exhausted. The boxed up mess has gotten heavier.

Think of your anxiety, your depression, your fear that you’re one slip away from shattering into pieces. You’re working hard to manage all of this on your own, but you feel like a hopeless mess.

Life is messy. Sometimes messes are too heavy to carry by yourself. Some thoughts and feelings are too scary to think and feel alone.

Therapy is a safe place to start unpacking this. You set the pace. You decide when you’re ready to pull the tape off. You choose when to pull something out. Each time you do, we’ll take a closer look. We’ll get curious. We’ll wonder together how each piece got here, who put it there, what allowed it to grow, and what kept it hidden. We’ll learn that all of these parts were necessary at one time, that they affect you even when you can’t see them, and that some of them are still useful today.

The more you understand the story of who you are and how you came to be, the lighter your load will feel, and the more flexibility you’ll have in your life going forward.

If any of this sounds familiar, I invite you to reach out.

Take care,

PANTHEA COUNSELING NYC • PSYCHOTHERAPY FOR PROFESSIONAL MILLENNIALS IN NYC • 80 FIFTH AVE, UNION SQUARE, NEW YORK, NY 10011 • 347-765-1555